Tag Archives: suicide

Open Letter to the Palestinians

27 Mar

Dear Palestinians,

please cut it out? And I don’t mean the beating heart of another zionist. I understand your anger, I agree you are right to be angry, and the extent that I am capable of, even share it. What the Israeli government – my government – has been doing to you since the foundation of the state, is a disgrace and an atrocity, from the razing of houses to the shooting of children.

But for fuck’s sake. You will never free Palestine or end the occupation by stabbing, car-ramming, shooting, bombing, or otherwise attacking Israelis. Israel will always be stronger; you will never have our military power. And I understand that beyond logical motivations, there is the urge to continue a historical resistance, though futile, just to demonstrate your defiance and hatred of the situation. That, too, I understand. Only dead fish swim with the current.

But for fuck’s sake. You are helping the zionist agenda. Yes, you are helping the Israeli government oppress, rob, and kill you. Every time you attack an Israeli, my government says, “Look world, this is why we have to oppress them! This is why we have to take and control their land! This is why we bulldoze their homes! This is why we have to shoot them at the slightest suspicion of a butter knife in their pocket! Because they keep attacking us!”
You are doing my government a great favour by perpetually attacking us. You are justifying being treated like animals by behaving like animals. You think a prison is going to release a convict if and because he beats up the guards every time he’s let out into the cafeteria? No. This prolongs his sentence.

And Allah’s will? Seriously? Allah, the Gracious, wants you to walk into your death, break your family’s hearts, just so the zionists have an excuse to make your family homeless and abuse your people some more? Your struggle isn’t the only thing historical here. Your people, the Palestinians, being abused more every time one of you attacks an Israeli, is also a historical event that repeats itself without failure.

Every attack from you against us, makes your situation worse. I’m not telling you to love us. You’re right to hate us (well, not me, I’m nice, I give great head). I hate the government and its executioners, too. Hate us till the cows come home. We have not given you a reason not to. But for fuck’s sake, please internalize that your “armed resistance” is only making your situation worse. Yeah, we mourn our losses… But every single time, you get a disproportionately worse response, don’t you?

For fuck’s sake, cut it out. It’s stupid, pointless, and only moves you farther away from your goals. We will never lose to you, and my government will never leave you alone if you keep giving it excuses to abuse you. Stop this shit. I want both our people to live in peace, even if we can’t stand each other’s smell. But my government wants you to continue attacking us, because you are helping it abuse you.

Don’t do the zionists that favor.

an Israeli


Fat Lives Matter

1 Dec

Except, those 2 statements are ignorant and factually incorrect. When society tolerates large parts of itself plus the media shaming, hazing, discriminating against, and ridiculing overweight people, that society is hardly any more advanced than one that arrests women for not covering their hair. Fat people, women especially, are being terrorized all their lives and smugly expected to hate themselves. Sometimes this terrorism is thinly veiled in “health concerns” not shown in similar harassing fashions to smokers and other way less healthy people, meaning it’s really just a fib as nobody can possibly be sincerely concerned with a stranger’s weight-related health if not with a smoker’s or an alcoholic’s – plus, concern isn’t voiced by ridicule and unsolicited, demoralizing commentary.
Unlike Iranian women who uncover their hair, fat women in the West may not be legally prosecuted or punished, but they are beaten and bullied as children, and shamed and ridiculed as adults, if not personally, then by blanket fat hate, and little is done about it other than victim-blaming: “So just stop being fat” or, while kinda hard to convince an impressionable child it’s possible to be lovable when everyone is violently hating you, “Nobody ever gonna love you if you don’t love yourself”, which is nonsense, because you can love yourself all you want and still be brutalized and no child sets out hating herself – self-hate is conditioned, not inherent. I don’t know of any fat girl/child who hated herself for being fat before getting repeatedly and meticulously bullied for it. Plus, me hating myself entitles no one else to attack me in any form or fashion.

Fat hate, and (mostly women’s) fear of fatness, is a huge contributing factor to body image issues, eating disorders, and depression leading to suicide. But since the hate continues and is tolerated in school, in professional settings, while shopping, pretty much everywhere and accepted as a thing of daily life, there isn’t much a fat person can do other than suffer to lose weight in order to stop suffering from being dehumanized by society (and usually failing, while not owing anyone thinness to begin with and being an equal, worthy human being at 500 lbs as much as at 80). And failing that, many kill themselves, and nothing changes, meaning society accepts it. Just look at the internet’s response to suicides. Pretty thin girl: poor thing, so young, so pretty, why? Fat person? Lots of victim blaming and posthumous belittling and diminishing the cruelty the person suffered leading up to the suicide. Shouldn’t have been so fat then. Fatty got their giant butt hurt. If the fat person’s suicide gets any attention at all.

Hand these cards to people of color, disabled people, anorexic or mentally ill people, the world would be up in arms. But since it’s “just” fat people who have no right to respect and dignity, as confirmed by entertainment media who mostly cast us as a source of comic relief or villainy, we’ll just have to torture ourselves to lose weight in order to be treated like equal human beings, right?

Because obviously society is fine with us being bullied into suicide – which is a thing, which happens. A lot. Face it. Fight it.


Dead Baby Parts for Sale

29 Jul

These idiot pro-lifers yapping about Planned Parenthood illegally selling dead baby parts without the poor, poor mothers’ consent… I don’t know if it’s legal; the information here is conflicting all over the internet, but let’s switch off our Jesus and switch on our Brains for a sec:

1. When you consent to an abortion, you are effectively and willingly killing your baby. Circumstances are irrelevant.

2. Killing your baby is discarding both it, and your motherhood and thus, your rights as a mother.

3. Discarding your baby and your motherhood, is like throwing a bottle in the trash. You do not get to bitch about someone else fishing it out and doing whatever with it. You should be glad it wasn’t a complete waste.

4. You consented to the death of your baby, do you really get to oppose the idea of that wasted life being used to improve or save lives by being sold or donated to science or medicine?

5. Legal shmegal. The mom wants the baby dead, and science and medicine are doing a lot of good, so illegally or not, those forwarded baby parts can be a great contribution to progress we will all benefit from. Many things in medicine are illegal, while they would save so many lives. Illegal isn’t always the same as unethical, and often the opposite. It is illegal to hand out prescription meds to people without a prescription, but what if they have no money or no time to get one, and are suffering horribly? I remember being unable to walk on with the debilitating pain of a cystitis no doctor took seriously – bless the pharmacist who let me beg him into giving me the strongest RX drug. Euthanasia is often illegal – let the poor person suffer a prolonged inevitability? Lock’em up when they try it themselves? Medicinal or freely procured marijuana is often illegal, while the healthiest AND most effective choice for many sufferers of horrible pain. Fuck your legal.

I don’t care how you got pregnant, or why you want to terminate. I am pro-choice and you can sleep around and abort around as much as you like; I only oppose late-term abortion in many circumstances for obvious reasons. Unless carrying to term endangers the mother’s life, and so on. Yada yada, irrelevant to this specific post.
But once gotten rid of, it is no longer yours. You no longer have rights to it unless you demand otherwise up front, like “Put it in a jar for me”. Why would you be fine with your baby being crammed in a trashbag, but not with making the best of it? Seriously, some people…

No lessons learned.

24 Jul

Some people claim to have learned lessons from the missile attacks on Israel, such as all of this being mere antisemitism and a repetition of the Third Reich. The same people probably also very carefully select their history books and happily buy into one-sided narratives that suit their comfort zone.

Personally, I like to leave my comfort zone and question things that sound too easy, such as “It’s all those Muslims’ fault, Israel is totally innocent”. Rarely can such long-lasting conflicts be blamed on one side making all the mistakes. Scrap that – never. So I left my comfort zone. I got sick. I cried. I raged. Then I calmed down and resumed leaving my comfort zone further and further behind.
Those who know me, know I refuse to view things in black and white, especially things as large as the Middle East conflict. I mean, I used to. But as a meritocrat and passionate intellectual and academic, I cannot breathe when I am not learning and feeding my mind facts. 

One such fact-feeding endeavor was when I started feeling weird about calling my land grandfather, Naeim Giladi, a senile traitor. I never met the men. I never listened to the man’s interviews or read his articles. All I knew about him, were statements from my parents about him having hated Israel. That made it simple for me.
But then I remembered my mother hates big dogs – and I love them! Have I ever dismissed my mother’s feelings in favor of my own? I mean, other than when I bought that Akita without asking her first… Wait a second! My mother hand been the victim of a horrific attack by a big dog, and witnessed another big dog kill a child on accident, by the mere force of its leap. While it may be wrong to hate all big dogs now, her hatred is not something that can be dismissed as the manifestation of an evil person’s black heart.

Now, there were two kinds of Israel haters I also wanted to examine more closely: my grandfather, and a big portion of Palestinians. I buy the blanket hatred against Israel as little as I bought Israel’s consistently pointing the finger at others anymore. Because both attitudes are wrong.
I found most answers in my grandfather’s book; a large portion of its content can be researched and confirmed by anyone who wishes to do so. 
Now, we can line up a few very simple facts to begin with – facts not exclusively found in Naeim’s book.
1. Israel was not built on deserted land; people have been living there – and not only Jews.
2. Palestine as a nation state may never have existed, but the land had indeed been referred to as Palestine and both local Jews and non-Jewish Arabs called Palestinians.
3. There is no Evil Gene in Muslims or Arabs that makes them born anti-semitic. Political views and religious beliefs are taught. Always. Sometimes by the object of the hatred.

Looking at these facts, anyone with an open mind and average intelligence or above, should feel a question nagging at them: if the land had been inhabited by people previously to the establishment of the state of Israel, where had they gone, and why did they leave? And why do Arabs appear to hate Israel? 

The Quran says nothing about Jews needing to die. Many Israel lobbyists actually use the Quran to discredit radical Islamists, saying that the Quran itself approves of Jews. However, the very same lobbyists now lose their argument against Muslims: well obviously, they don’t hate us because their religion tells them to!
In a propaganda video, an Israel lobbyist remarks that Arabs started attacking Jews in 1947. Why not earlier? Why then? Did a new mind control virus that only Arabs are susceptible to, break out in the Middle East? No. There was no Hitler Aids epidemic. A much different disease broke out that year: white supremacy. 1947 was the year that the state of Israel started to be built, by white Jews handed the land by white British to do with as they pleased.
Now, wait a minute! What are the British doing assigning and reassigning land that isn’t really theirs? Oh, wait, he’ve had this before. South Africa for example, where white people invaded the land, grabbed it, and shooed all the native black people into slums. And we also had this in america, where white people invaded the land, grabbed it, butchered the Natives, and had black slaves build them (the whites) something cozy. 

In other words, God didn’t give us Israel unless the Brits are his angels. Now, answer me honestly with “Yes” or “No” when I ask you if the native people of a land can be reasonably expected to surrender their homes and leave just because a bunch of foreigners are holding a holy book in one hand and a gun in the other, saying “God wants me to live here, now fuck off or I’ll make you”?
Because, see, it’s not really relevant whether the Palestinian Muslims were kicked out or herded into today’s Gaza Strip and the Best Wank after having fought and lost an armed struggle, or whether they had been helplessly beaten there every step of the way. Unless you are their landlord and they stopped paying the rent, you are never right to see people out of their homes, much less expect them to “get over it”.

This is also why the argument of the Palestinian Muslims having been offered such and such strip of land by Israel, is invalid. You can’t throw me out of my home and into a much crappier place, and then expect me to forgive you by offering me some bumblefuck place in the middle of nowhere. The scorn of being offered a consolation prize by the one who attacked and robbed me for no good reason, should be apparent even to the thickest among you.

See, before the state of Israel was established, Muslims did not hate Jews. Both groups were well respected by the other, and coexisted just fine. Muslims also would not have minded Israel being established on truly vacant land. But you sort of need to understand their feeling of resentment when Jews who aren’t even from around here – European, Russian, american, Soviet – Jews come and build their cities over the forcefully vacated houses of the Muslim inhabitants of that land.

My grandfather came to hate Israel after having loved and nearly died for it. Such a change of heart doesn’t happen over night and is not a decision one takes consciously. It is something that happens when enough is enough. In the beginning, my grandfather had been enthusiastic about the idea of a Jewish state. He helped smuggle Jews out of Iraq so they could start a new life in Israel. He went to death row for this endeavor. 
Sadly, he soon found out that not only was that state built at the expense of a large part of the land’s inhabitants, the pogroms he and other Arab Jews fled to Israel from, had also largely been staged or deliberately provoked by Israel’s founders themselves in an effort to populate Israel with Jews as quickly and as massively as possible. And when the Arab Jews arrived, they found that this land was built and run by white people who needed the Arab Jews mostly to replace the cheap labor force that the Muslim Arabs would have been, had they not been paid or forced to leave their homeland because Muslims weren’t quite the right kind of population for a Jewish state. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Naeim Giladi gave Israel the finger and left.


Fast-forward to the 21. century.

Hamas is throwing rockets at, and Best Wankers are slitting throats of, Jewish Israelis. Now, while I know many simpletons haunt the net including this blog, I must ask you not to misread me: I do not defend the attacks on civilians. I consider the Itamar massacre, the missiles upon Israel, the murder of the three Jewish boys, as horrible a violent crime, as any. And I have no patience for violent criminals whatsoever. Be it a punch, a rape, or a massacre, I hate violent criminals.
However 1.
Strangely, mere suspects in the triple murder had had their houses bulldozed by Israel, which brutally arrested hundreds in the search for the killers. Now, when a Jew murders an Arab Muslim, Israel proceeds a lot more gently. Gag orders on identities even after confessions were made, the option to plead insanity, and obviously, no relatives of the suspect/convict having their homes destroyed. Why this difference in procedure? Why handle Muslims more roughly than Jews, for the same kind of crime? 40s america, anyone? Yes, I’ll just say it right here: Israel is treating its so-called citizens like america treated black people back then, with that very same attitude that turns “blacks” into “niggers”. Yes, as long as these Palestinians are under Israel’s thumb, they are its citizens. And Palestinian Authority or not, they are under Israel’s thumb or else Israel couldn’t just barge in as convenient, and arrest people and bulldoze their homes. The PA is a strawman, a joke, a comforter to silence those who say that Israel is robbing the Palestinian Arabs of their sovereignty. Israel still holds most power over the territories, whatever anyone may call them.

However 2.
The claim that Israel left Gaza for peace… If Israel can continue to carry out target assassinations and control what goes in and out of Gaza, and even switch off their electricity, Israel is not “out of Gaza”. It is so far up Gaza’s ass that Gaza is shitting Osem.
Ah, yes, Osem, another interesting point. Israel prides itself in delivering food and electricity to Gaza. Are prisons proud to say that their inmates receive the bare minimum required to survive? Not really, prisons rarely start bragging at any degree below offering continuing education and ways to re-establish oneself after release. Except, other than the terrorists there, Gaza is not just a cesspool of criminals and hence should not serve as a prison – there are normal people there whose only reason to hate Israel is to be caught in the middle of a fight they didn’t ask for.
Now you’ll ask a very valid question: “Why then, do they support Hamas?” Because Hamas still gives them more compassion than Israel does. Hamas may be evil, but when one side makes you poor, keeps you cooped up in slums, and makes sure you live a pointless life, and the other side gives or promises you purpose (even if through death), yet happens to be evil, well..? Consider that the Gazans consist of many generations of living and dying with the same pointlessness, and getting the same undignified treatment from Israel, and the same rhethoric from Hamas. There is no new fresh generation of hope there, only a repetition of not so ancient history. 

Also consider that nobody is born suicidal or commits suicide easily. No matter what our beliefs, survival instinct stops most of us from crossing certain lines. Suicide bombings or endangering one’s life by firing missiles or otherwise directly attacking Israel, are not part of Islam, and are contrary to our supreme survival instincts. Please, by all means, DO doubt that these terrorists kill themselves with any more ease than do other broken-hearted people in a last-ditch attempt to either end their own misery, or pave the way to a better future for their loved ones (no matter how wrong they may be to expect that to come out of their deeds). Suicide is always an act of despair. Muslims are no different. Muslims do not lack survival instinct, they do not have a kill-yourself-plus-infidels gene.

And food isn’t all people need to live a life that is too good to be wasted on hatred and terrorism. People need quality water. Reliable power. New clothes, decent health care/services, construction/renovation materials, decent schools and colleges, recreation. Israel mustn’t pride itself in throwing the Gazans a few tons of Osem. Would you praise a junkyard owner for throwing his chained dog low-quality kibble and water, while denying the animal all the other things it needs to live a dignified version of its one and only fleeting life, and beating it whenever it misbehaves as a result? Well, the Gazans are that dog. 

Fact: Gazans are born into a futile existence. There are no career paths there, no academic institutions, no airports to leave for a better life. They are born like hamsters in a pet shop, to either be eaten by their cage mates due to overpopulation and stress, or be bought by thoughtless adults as playthings for their children. Even if Hamas were funding education and prosperity for all their citizens, there would be no point to it. There is no getting out of Gaza. So Hamas investing in picking up the place, would merely result in the cage getting a golden paint job.  

So how can you be surprised that they tolerate or even support Hamas, knowing full well that Hamas endangers their lives as much as Israel renders them futile? At least, Hamas promises them that their deaths will have purpose, while Israel makes sure that their lives do not.

After you’ve let that sink in – or so I hope – I’m sure you’ll understand the following: today, especially among young people who haven’t lived through enough history yet, a lot of the anti-Israel sentiment among Muslims and pro-Palestinians may have transformed into blanket antisemitism. Many may not know exactly what they are protesting or defending, and many may simply use the plight of the Palestinians as an excuse for racism. 
However. The source of the hostility of Palestinians towards Jews, is not religiously or ethnically motivated. No matter what today’s generation may explain their feelings with, the conflict started because people were made homeless and empoverished for the sake of the Jewish state. For the sake of the Jewish state, its previous indigenous inhabitants have been split into two groups according to their religion and ancestry: Jews were declared citizens and Muslims were declared fuck-them. And now the Israel lobby is one-sidedly blaming them for the conflict, hiding behind pathetic, half-assed “outreach” and “offers” to pretend that they have, indeed, tried solving the conflict. However, you simply cannot expect people to stop hating you just because you offer them a bandaid for the shotgun wound you put in them when you took over their home.

Now, you are probably going to say I am one-sidedly blaming Israel. Well, not really. The land grab was initiated by the British, and Jews just happily took what they were offered – as would anyone. However, what Jews then proceeded to do, is unjustifiable. But so is terrorism, such as dumping missiles on civilians. However, it’s the only thing a desperate people such as the Gazans know how to do anymore to move Israel in any way. Israel is so strong and dominant that force seems the only way to still so much as scratch us. While Israel has a right and a duty to defend its citizens, haven’t we seen enough of these wars to know that they are no solution? 
If Hamas is destroyed, other terrorist factions will emerge. 
The only ways to end the hostility are to either eradicate all of Gaza so no potential attacker is left, and that’s genocide… 
Or for Israel to replace Hamas as the bringer of hope and purpose. And this would require Israel to stop treating the Gazans like chained junkyard dogs. It would require Israel to lift the blockade after a long and tolerant probation period during which the people of Gaza would be receiving more than food. Decent health care, rebuilding efforts, and humanity. There is simply no way there will be peace if Israel continues to treat Gazans and West Bank Arabs the way it does now. There is no way there will be peace if Israel continues to treat Jews and non-Jewish Arabs differently, even within “Israeli mainland”. You can simply not reasonably expect Hamas to pack up and leave one day and take all the other militants with them. Not as long as Israel keeps treating Arabs like less-than-human beings, and that is exactly what Israel does every time a Jew gets away with saying “Death to Arabs” while boycotts are staged when an Arab says something similar about Jews. And it is exactly what Israel does when it bulldozes the homes of the suspects in the murder of Jews, yet gives maximum humanity and legal protection to the Jewish murderers of Arabs. It is exactly what Israel does when it coops up a bunch of Arabs in a place where there is no real future, and then bombs them disproportionately for doing what a caged animal does: bite.

Had the roles been reversed, had Jews been the people surrounding a tiny strip of Palestine, forcefully grabbed by foreign Muslim invaders who threw out the Jews, would you sit by idly? Would you accept the situation? This is, again, a very simple Yes/No question. Few things in life are this simple, so rejoyce as you answer!

No trigger warnings.

6 Jul

I hate this self-absorbed me-me-me-and-my-feelings complaining that there is no trigger warning on content published on a website that is geared towards general population, or in a place where trigger material could be expected. Also, what is trigger material? For all I know, your child recently drowned in the sea; now I have to feel bad about not putting a trigger warning above my sunset-above-the-waves photography…

I refuse. I am counting down the seconds to the first comment complaining that this post was triggering. LOL.

Requests for trigger warnings on platforms not geared towards trauma “survivors”, the mentally ill, or the emotionally unstable, are something I HATE and consider rude, selfish, and very, very, weak, infantile and whiny. I know better than to make rape jokes on sexual abuse self-help forums. But Facebook? My blog? DeviantART? LOG OFF if you can’t deal with people saying or showing whatever they like. General population areas of the internet are to be entered at one’s own risk. If you know you have triggers or other issues, use your better judgment. Don’t ask the internet to babysit you.
Hell, I once saw someone posting suicidal thoughts on a suicide self-help forum… “PUT A TRIGGER WARNING OMG!!!” Hello? You came to a suicide forum. What did you expect? Puppies and rainbows? Moron. Yes, I just called a victim of emotional instability (which is the determining factor in how we deal with traumatic experience, even more so than the experience itself) a moron. How insensitive. Just as insensitive as demanding people self-censor in order to spare the irrational emotional reactions of strangers on the web. What if what I have to say is extremely important to me? Now whose extremely important issues matter more – my extremely important desire/need to express myself, or your extremely important emotional safety?

I refuse to tiptoe or to put trigger warnings everywhere. Hell, the multiple choice question where I had to rephrase the sentence “He did not live up to his promises” which was repeated and rubbed in my face in 4 more ways, almost triggered renewed heartbreak in me; I was sitting there trying to keep the tears from falling – should I go cry to the ministry of education for exposing me to such a phrase on my Hebrew proficiency test without a trigger warning?


As someone who has “survived” a lot of traumatic things, I understand why trigger warnings exist. Let me just say, I hate the term “survivor” when it comes to non-potentially-lethal-physical trauma… none of those things kill you unless you kill yourself because you can’t cope so stop being dramatic. You survive wars. You survive life-threatening disease. You survive attempts on your life.
Am I being insensitive, again? Well, let’s see. If 100 people respond to a similar experience in 80 different ways, then I guess we really can’t label anything as definitely very traumatic. Otherwise everyone would respond similarly. If different people respond differently to the same thing, it’s obviously strictly subjective. I’m not downplaying any crimes or horrible experiences. Hell, death penalty to any violent criminal such as rapists, armed robbers, etc. I’m just saying, trauma and triggers are subjective which makes potentially anything traumatic or triggering.

I just don’t think that someone’s responsibility to cope with their own experiences should be dumped on the public. I’ve had pretty much everything happen to me, and honestly, bleh. Some things “trigger” me but it’s my own responsibility to deal with that. So many things trigger me. I can still feel the cold fur and blood of my puppy after a car pressed his brains out his ears. I can still smell the nose breath of one of many sexual assaillants. God I hate bad nose breath. I can still remember the shape of my miscarriage. The laughter of my bullies as they kicked me deeper and deeper into the creek. And so on. So fucking what. It sucks, it hurts, I get up, I move on. If a thin-skinned crybaby like me can do it, then maybe you can’t, but I can’t cater to that by changing my routine, including how I express myself on the net. Triggers are not a real problem. They are in your head. Some people have cancer. Cancer is real. Triggers are memories flaring up unpleasantly. Sit down. Look at kittens. Leave me alone.

Here, have Hitler making out with a Jewess.

Obviously, I would never make a dead baby joke in a mothers’ group, a Holocaust joke among European Jews, or a rape joke in a self-help group of sexual abuse victims. But in general or unrelated settings, I think people need to simply suck it up that their trauma is their business. I hate being made to feel like I need to tiptoe around people. If you expose yourself to the risk, you can’t blame others for triggering you by using their right to free speech. They are not actually hurting you. It is not about you. It’s really not my problem that someone else is likely to lose control over their emotions over topics people should be free to discuss whenever, wherever, except in totally inappropriate or specific settings. Demanding so is actually rude in my opinion. I deliberately never, ever use trigger warnings. I don’t wish to cater to this. I have a million triggers, and the job to keep control over them, is mine alone.

Here, have some soldiers shooting shit or getting shot.

Really, what’s a trigger? Hell, a blog post about my beautiful dogs once triggered a woman who saw her child mauled by a dog of the same breed. You can’t even declare some topics as obvious triggers, because some people deal with their trauma better than others and may not see the point in a warning. For example, I have so far dismissed any sexual abuse I’ve personally suffered, as bad sex, a shitty encounter, or no worse than a fist fight. This other woman was triggered by my blog post explaining why I love the Akita breed. You might as well put a trigger warning above anything. European Jews may get triggered every time someone says something about Hitler. Dog bite victims may be triggered by the sight of dogs. Burn victims by a tasty stew on the fire. Let’s all starve, a burn victim might not like that roast.

What’s black and blue and hates sex?
A rape victim.

I’m sorry something bad happened to you, but I will not self-censor under 80% of circumstances. Like phobias, trigger responses are irrational and can’t be blamed on the surroundings or the trigger unless the trigger is the actual, original, cause of the response like YOUR rapist, and not just some random guy talking about sex. I can’t demand zoos cover their tarantula displays for my visit because spiders drive me out of my skin. I can choose to walk past spider displays without looking. I can choose to stay out of the spider and snake house altogether. I also cannot be asked to put warnings on all my art and writing just because my work spares no one.

Here, have a decapitated kitten.

Sometimes triggers cannot be avoided, but if you’re gonna go to a platform with a specific topic, you can assume to be triggered and have the choice to not visit that site or view its content.

This post sums it up perfectly how I feel about trigger warnings: http://mic.com/articles/87283/9-feminist-arguments-against-using-trigger-warnings-in-academia

I am empathic to trauma. This post may not sound like it, but I feel sad for anyone who has been hurt without deserving it. But how you deal with it, is up to you.

When you die…

9 Jan

…and you have time to realize it, there is this short and last moment of clarity. A clarity not of what happens around you, but what is about to come to you, and only you, from inside you, where it seems to always have been lurking. It’s not a thought, because thoughts can be controlled, thoughts have words and images. It’s not quite a feeling either. It’s like a wind that’s standing still, within the core of the core of your being’s being. 
Your body is already past feeling anything. Your mind is past thinking. It’s that moment just before you’re really dead, that last bit of brain activity, that gives you something that isn’t quite a thought, but also not quite a feeling, yet you realize it, but not knowingly, not in a way you could define it; your body is too far gone to even make a facial expression to go with it. 
It’s that final fleeting moment of realization. It’s over. It’s too late, you’re past all hope or help, you are about to be dead, and your being, your joys, your pains, your friends, your family, your world, your projects and dreams, your past and your future, everything will be irrevocably over in an amount of time that knows no name and that has no unit or measure, just like this realization that is nothing and everything.

That sadness, that final surge of struggle in your deepest core that does not want you and your world to end. And the sadness that it will all end regardless. Nothing compares to this. It’s not fear, not resignation, not anger, just the sadness of the profound, final, and pointless realization that the world that you’ve made and that you’ve been – every person creates, is, their own world – is now ending and nothing can save it.

You can only put it into words if you survive to think about it. You can’t relate to or internalize it unless you’ve felt it. If you hold on to it, it instills a fear of, and a rage against death in you, an absolute rejection of your mortality, and a desperation to live and to make your life matter and to not waste a second. This is at the same time motivating, and also paralyzing. This fear that the world, a unique world everybody creates, will end when you stop breathing. You cling to each breath knowing one will eventually be your last and you will encounter that feeling again. You fear and hate the thought of you ending. You’re no longer able to imagine the world without you in it, because the world you know, is the one your eyes have seen, your hands have touched, and your mind has processed. Any other person will not live in the world of your life. They live in their own. You end and your world, a world, ends. Death no longer feels natural or acceptable. Not your own. Because with you, the world ends.