Tag Archives: women

My vagina is mine to sell.

27 Aug

Isn’t it very anti-feminist to encourage free female promiscuity, but discourage women from gaining profit from it? Slut walks for free female sexuality are cool – they are in my book – but all the so-called feminists come rushing out screeching that you’re raping yourself when you bill your partner for the same damn thing plus, perhaps, prioritizing his desires as a customer to the degree you are comfortable with. But isn’t accommodating a partner to the extent of your comfort, the basis for any consensual fuck?

What prompted this? Well, I just found an image pop up on my newsfeed from an anti-rape apologist page. The image read:

“Sex doesn’t sell. Erosion of female self-esteem does. The feeling of superiority over women does. Turning women into things to be studied, scrutinized, judged, and then calling it ‘sex’, does. Objectification sells.”

Uh, well, no, I disagree as I disagree with “Dogs bark” – some do indeed, and some do so much that they need a good gob smack. Fuck, I hate noisy dogs. But many also do not. My dogs do not bark unless there is someone at the door or the dog who attacked us repeatedly, walks by the house. The above is a blanket statement, a gross generalization, and those never benefit anyone.

First of all, this is made exclusively about female sex appeal. Then why do male escorts, porn actors, and strippers make good money, too? And are they not objectified? And is there a globally valid and proven difference in how a man values his sexuality as opposed to a woman? Do fuck-happy cishet men always overstate their importance, while fuck-happy cishet females always meekly bow to male desire? Cishet males are just the biggest market for the sex industry because they’re the loudest about their desires. I bet if women weren’t as meek about our desires, we would have more porn produced to our taste, because it’s all about money, and money is where there is demand. Yes, our sexuality is judged more harshly than cishet males’, but no, in the West, we are not stopped from living it. Our sexuality is treated unfairly, but it is still ours to practice, and many things we do sexually, are of our own desire.
Back to objectification of women and men… Let’s be honest here, do all women really get wet for his personality, never for the nice ass? “Sex sells” when I replay Game of Thrones episodes for the scenes of Ser Loras and whoever he had in bed (other MEN). Sex sells when I watch any kind of porn. Hell, I objectify men all the time. I have half a dozen numbers in my phone whose messages I ignore unless I want them over for Netflix & Chill. I won’t even answer when they’re worried about me if I’m not currently falling apart with lust. I remember their parts better than their faces, and I get annoyed when their lips are moving rather than their hips. First thing I care about at a new workplace, is if the men are worth flirting with, and if they’re not, I find myself pissed at having to work at all. I might actually have been objectified by males in my entourage less than the other way around.
The only difference is that as women, we have not established the social and physical power to enforce our views of men and shape sex culture accordingly. But are we any more “deep” about how we view men, than vice-versa? PLEASE! The power dynamic is the only thing that makes female objectification more powerful and damaging than male objectification, but it does NOT define us as women, and our self-esteem does NOT depend on whether or not we willingly partake in objectification in order to get our libido or wallet satiated. I actually hold myself in too high esteem as to willingly work 48 hours of a boring job for minimum wage when I can work 10 hours for as much as others earn in a month and get laid in the process. And I mean, is selling your body for physical labour such as scrubbing toilets or building walls, not objectification? Simply of the non-sexual kind? We are all whores, we are all exploited, and we are all objectified, as long as our money depends on someone else’s satisfaction, be it with our typing skills or paving work, or sex. Making sex a special case, is only right on the condition that it be applied exclusively to those individuals who feel that way. Objectively speaking, there is no valid reason why everyone of us would feel the same. I get to view my cunt as a toy, as a temple, or as a golden goose. It is my cunt. And I am no victim if I happen to enjoy a man enjoying himself more than a man making a joke of himself trying way too hard to give me an orgasm.
 
 
And making the commodification of sex about flaws of a woman’s character (low self-esteem etc.) is also unfair and degrades women more than any porn flick they willingly signed up for, because it denies us agency. I can say Nope to a degrading script, I can’t say Nope to reading that I have low self-esteem for being commercially promiscuous. The statement is basically slut-shaming because it links character flaws to sex. But what about our hands when we’re dish washers at restaurants, or our feet when we deliver mail? But yet, there’s a distinction between that and our genitalia, and we’re all supposed to feel the same about it? Isn’t that an oppressive notion? Except victims of crime, we can choose whether or not to work in the sex industry, but we can’t choose what is said about us, and this pic quoted above says things many of us rightly take offense in. This statement turns all women who commodify sex, into a commodity, into victims with no say in their sexuality. It dictates an aspect of our sexuality on our behalf by making blanket assumptions about our self-image vs. our sexual behaviour – and to that, I say fuck you. We have a say. This isn’t an issue of self-esteem, it doesn’t need to be an issue bigger than what to order at Starbuck’s, depending on the individual’s attitude. To some women, sex is sacred, to some women, any sex not prioritizing the female pleasure is rape, and to some women, sex is a sport, a hobby, or a currency – and none of that has to have anything to do with our self-esteem, and none of it necessarily determines our roles as victims or agents.
 
Yes, objectification both exists and sells, and yes, we are helplessly objectified and sexualized because we cannot dictate how someone else sees us, but as long as no action is imposed on us, we are still the bosses of what we do with our sexuality or how to deal with objectification, consequences notwithstanding.
The statement could be wonderfully correct if it weren’t presumed dependant on low self-esteem and exclusive victimization of women. As yes, sex and objectification can overlap and sell. But in reality, there are confident, proud women who happily commodify their sexuality, and they should not be demeaned into victim roles by blanket statements such as this. Not all women who respect themselves consider sex something sacred. Personally, I consider it a sport, and I feel stupid every time I play without getting paid when I could, even though I enjoy it. I’m basically just another athlete who sucks at marketing, the only reason I’m not going pro.
 
“Sex sells” only inherently victimizes women if the assumption is true that all women and their sexuality is something they have no say over, and is linked in one way only to self-esteem: the more liberal and accommodating the sexuality, the lower the self-esteem. But many of us do willingly sign up for sex work, do willingly indulge in promiscuity, do willingly submit to male desires because it happens to turn us on to please, we do not all throw our sexuality around just because we feel we owe it to the patriarchy. Some of us do because it’s fun or good money, and we have no problem with it. Declaring us victims through blanket statements just because the statements are true in some or even many cases, is inherently violent.
 
Isn’t it basically very anti-feminist to encourage free female promiscuity, but discourage women from gaining profit from it? Liberating female sexuality includes losing the assumption that something has to be wrong with us (such as low self-esteem) or that we are victims (the opposite of people with agency and authority) for us to commodify our vaginas the way other people commodify their feet to toss news papers over fences. Liberating female sexuality means accepting and supporting that some women enjoy themselves in the sex industry and act of their own accord.
Feminism means to shout “Yay for prudes” as loudly as “Yay for whores”. It means to let us be individual about our bodies and sex, not collective.
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Fat Lives Matter

1 Dec

Except, those 2 statements are ignorant and factually incorrect. When society tolerates large parts of itself plus the media shaming, hazing, discriminating against, and ridiculing overweight people, that society is hardly any more advanced than one that arrests women for not covering their hair. Fat people, women especially, are being terrorized all their lives and smugly expected to hate themselves. Sometimes this terrorism is thinly veiled in “health concerns” not shown in similar harassing fashions to smokers and other way less healthy people, meaning it’s really just a fib as nobody can possibly be sincerely concerned with a stranger’s weight-related health if not with a smoker’s or an alcoholic’s – plus, concern isn’t voiced by ridicule and unsolicited, demoralizing commentary.
Unlike Iranian women who uncover their hair, fat women in the West may not be legally prosecuted or punished, but they are beaten and bullied as children, and shamed and ridiculed as adults, if not personally, then by blanket fat hate, and little is done about it other than victim-blaming: “So just stop being fat” or, while kinda hard to convince an impressionable child it’s possible to be lovable when everyone is violently hating you, “Nobody ever gonna love you if you don’t love yourself”, which is nonsense, because you can love yourself all you want and still be brutalized and no child sets out hating herself – self-hate is conditioned, not inherent. I don’t know of any fat girl/child who hated herself for being fat before getting repeatedly and meticulously bullied for it. Plus, me hating myself entitles no one else to attack me in any form or fashion.

Fat hate, and (mostly women’s) fear of fatness, is a huge contributing factor to body image issues, eating disorders, and depression leading to suicide. But since the hate continues and is tolerated in school, in professional settings, while shopping, pretty much everywhere and accepted as a thing of daily life, there isn’t much a fat person can do other than suffer to lose weight in order to stop suffering from being dehumanized by society (and usually failing, while not owing anyone thinness to begin with and being an equal, worthy human being at 500 lbs as much as at 80). And failing that, many kill themselves, and nothing changes, meaning society accepts it. Just look at the internet’s response to suicides. Pretty thin girl: poor thing, so young, so pretty, why? Fat person? Lots of victim blaming and posthumous belittling and diminishing the cruelty the person suffered leading up to the suicide. Shouldn’t have been so fat then. Fatty got their giant butt hurt. If the fat person’s suicide gets any attention at all.

Hand these cards to people of color, disabled people, anorexic or mentally ill people, the world would be up in arms. But since it’s “just” fat people who have no right to respect and dignity, as confirmed by entertainment media who mostly cast us as a source of comic relief or villainy, we’ll just have to torture ourselves to lose weight in order to be treated like equal human beings, right?

#FatLivesMatter
Because obviously society is fine with us being bullied into suicide – which is a thing, which happens. A lot. Face it. Fight it.

http://mobile.abc.net.au/news/2015-12-01/women-body-shamed-on-london-tube-by-overweight-haters-ltd/6989574

Merkel is the real Martyr

15 Jan

“Including a picture of a woman into something so sacred, as far as we are concerned, it can desecrate the memory of the martyrs and not the other way around,”

-Binyamin Lipkin, editor of HaMevaser

So editing out all women from the Paris March because they “desecrate the memory of the martyrs” is freedom of speech now… We desecrate the memory of people for being women, like having a massive poop-eating and pig-fucking orgy in a church, desecrates the House of God? Okay. Gotcha.

If it’s freedom of speech to wage a blatant war on women, deleting our image as if we’re a disease that needs to be wiped, and slandering us as a stain on peoples’ memory for our sex, then the next acceptable thing, I guess, is to caption pictures of the victims of police brutality with “This nigger got what he had coming, shoulda picked the cotton and be quiet” or make the Westboro Baptist’s slogans the next source for headlines. Or how about “This kyke right here, should have been gassed before he got on TV”.
Yeah, not so cool suddenly.

And Angela Merkel, deleted by Israelis, of all things? Who has been supplying Israel with weapons, warships, endless money, and two blind eyes upon the mess we are making, the crimes we are committing, such as the construction of settlements which is illegal as per the Geneva Convention, signed by Israel, just saying… Who has been a relentlessly reliable ally to the country that houses, feeds, and clothes the people who have now deleted their benefactor? Binyamin Lipkin, the editor of HaMevaser, the hate paper (if you delete women, you are no less of a hate group than are the Westboro Baptists) that published the anti-women image, should be licking Merkel’s rear end because her contribution is part of the reason why his estimated 45 welfare-mooching, unworldly children have clothes on their backs and an army to shield them from the reality that the likes of their father is perpetuating.

The comment about the eight-year-old makes me cringe. The eight-year-old should be encouraged to look at women in an appreciative way and worship us – after all, that kid came out of a brave woman’s bleeding, agonized vagina, and every time a woman gives birth, she risks her life. Only to dedicate all of it to that kid once it’s out. The eight-year-old should not be shielded from the (undistorted) sight of us. On the contrary. See women everywhere to be reminded why you’re in this world, and who changed your diapers, who feeds you, who loves you unconditionally, who cries for you, who would happily die for you. Look at us, you little shit. Same goes for your dad, the big shit.
Deleting women from the public image is no better than saying we should actually, literally, disappear. You don’t systematically delete something from view if you respect, much less value it. Deleting someone to protect “the children!” or the memory of martyrs, is a gesture of shame and disgust.
This IS a war on women, it is NOT just religion, it has nothing to do with a religion that dictates such oppression in no way. People screeching that this is free speech, miss the fact that this deletion of women represents an attitude that women have to suffer in real life. It is really no different than forcing a burqa on a Muslim woman. They want us invisible. They make us invisible. And we just have to suck it up? This oppressive behavior is not the only one in a series of legal – some now illegal – crimes perpetrated in various forms and by all kinds of entities against the female collective and to reduce it to free speech, “no harm done”, is insane and dangerous.

Somehow, tolerance for sexism and gender-based oppression is a lot higher than it would be for racism or anti-semitism, and this I do not understand. Had a black man been edited out because “his presence tarnishes the memory of the martyrs and an eight-year-old shouldn’t see such a thing in public”, no one would play the free-speech-card. Except the unfortunate few who would see their addresses published for lynchings. Why do we need to tolerate our deletion from the public eye, but telling a black person to sit in the back of the bus is a hate crime? Why is it okay to treat us women like either property to subject to man’s standards and demands (even if ever so subtly by distorting our bodies or telling us to hate and change them painfully in order to be more pleasing to penises), or like something that should not even exist, or at least not have its existence acknowledged and treated as equally valuable as that of men?

Why does this seem okay?

Women’s Freedom in the West

9 Feb

Which woman is less oppressed, people ask, the one in the Israeli Olympic parade, or the one leading the Iranian team? The Israeli lady features bare thighs, the Iranian features bare nothing.

So obviously, the Israeli woman is a symbol for freedom and women’s rights, right?

Wrong.

Actually, people saying that the Iranian dress is oppressive and putting females in any kind of unfavorable or objectified position, aren’t really thinking. They seem to just grab anything that can reinforce their negative views on Islam in order to feel better about wherever they live.

You can be smart and successful all you want, if you’re an ugly female, that will still be more interesting to others. Or, best case scenario: “for someone so ugly, she’s got a good thing going”. 

ALL cultures objectify women. ALL cultures somehow make sure women look and dress in a way that pleases men and society. ALL cultures want women to be the object of pleasure and approval of some sort. You think the weightloss craze really worries about our health? No. Otherwise it’d address men equally. And think a bit further – when weightloss geared towards women is advertized, it’s usually about looking nice in a bikini or this and that outfit, or “for him”. Yes, you have the choice to disregard all the objectifying beauty demands, but we all know how fat or otherwise “ugly” (not conforming to beauty ideals) women are regarded and treated. Lovely choice we have here, huh. Either suffer to look pleasant, or be disregarded.
Do you think women in Israel would be wearing 12 centimeter shorts that almost make their labia majora pop out if it weren’t considered “sexy”? It’s not the heat, really, a long flowing skirt would actually keep them cooler than tight “hot pants” or “jorts”. Do you think the 2 tons of make-up that Israeli women tend to wear, all the hair dressing booths in the malls, the gigantic makeup departments, do you think those aren’t there to “help” women do their “job” and be pretty in the eye of the beholder? The Israeli woman in the picture is wearing a skirt with a seductive opening up her thigh, very close to the inside, for no reason other than her being a woman and her task being looking good and making the Israeli team look good. And that is the essence of objectification. The same reason – looking good and making who you represent look good – is behind the Iranian woman not showing skin. Both dress the way their culture says is pleasing.
Because while in Israel and other western(-ish) cultures women are supposed to look sexy and share the pleasure of that view, in Iran women are supposed to look modest and share the pleasure of that. Both cultures put woman in a spot where their main task is to please others. Even manners apply to women differently than to males. Women don’t fart, no, we also don’t poop, oh no, and we certainly do not talk about it because it’s not pleasant or pretty for us to do so. Men? “Duuuuuuuuude I just took a dump your mom’s size!”.
Why else are women in Israel exploited for commercials, advertizing, marketing etc. NO LESS than in other western(-ish) countries? Why are there half-naked or otherwise attractively presented women on every other billboard? Why is Bar Rafaeli one of the first things you see on the Ayalon? Because, in Israel too, the freedom of the female is an illusion and a ploy to make her WANT to fit into society’s expectations and demands. In the west, this is being pleasantly sexy, in Islamic countries, this is modesty. But in both countries, women, once they leave the privacy of their homes, are expected to look pleasant. THAT is why we are always told to lose weight (except in the breasts!), have hair extensions, dye our hair, get our nails done, wear this, wear that, black women relax their hair and are told to bleach their skin, and if you come dressed skimpily to the club to attract more male customers to buy drinks, admission is, of course, free for girls.

We women spend ridiculous amounts of time getting ready for as little as going to the supermarket, because we hate not looking good in public. We sigh with relief and comfort when, in the privacy of our homes, the bra and the half ton of makeup and the heels come off. Why do we wear all that if it’s so uncomfortable? If the best feeling is all that landing in a corner so we can crawl into our jammies, belch, fart, and put our feet on the table once no one’s watching?
This is NOT natural. This is conditioned. Women EVERYWHERE are conditioned from early childhood to always be pleasant. In Israel no less than elsewhere, are women who “don’t take care of their appearance” or who dress in certain ways, looked down upon and gossiped about. And in Israel, too, religious Jewish women and girls cover up every inch of skin. Many do so no more willingly than the “poor” Muslim women. Let’s not forget there are neighborhoods in Israel where a woman showing a bare thigh can get spat at or disowned and beaten by her family. Because everywhere, a woman’s main task seems to be earning society’s approval by being pretty and pleasant. A woman could find the cure for cancer and still not get the respect she deserves if she were to let her facial hair grow wild, be fat, shave her head bald, and wear unflattering clothes. The response all over (social) media would be: “Cool but she needs to shave that shit”. A man would get away with it. Men are measured by their achievements, their words, and their actions. Nobody has a problem with ugly, old or fat male Hollywood actors, but women? Face lifts, boob jobs, nose jobs, and rigorous diets and fitness, or the career. Is. Over. Women are judged by their appearance first and foremost. Everywhere.

Women aren’t free anywhere. Not in Israel, not in Iran, not in the US, not in Japan, not anywhere. Women are ALWAYS expected to please the local views. Women are always objectified. And as we can see by the comments here, a lot of them don’t even realize it. Oh, you’re applauded for wearing jorts and a crop top? Yeah, ever occurred to you that that is because you’re giving people what they want and making yourself the object of their pleasure? No girl wakes up one morning and decides to dress like they do in Amsterdam’s redlight district. She has seen it somewhere, presented as a desirable way to look if you want to be considered sexy, pretty, or attractive. Because if those 3 aren’t your main priorities as a woman, nobody pays attention to you. Susan Boyle “failed” because, while being an amazing singer, she was ugly. Adele is a great musician but her weight is more important to the media. Angela Merkel is a strong leader with balls and authority, but people only ever talk about her shitty looks. Miley Cyrus is a kinda okay singer but if she wants to keep selling, well, off go the clothes. Britney Spears’ career was dead when she shaved her head and gained weight. Gabourey Sidibe is a great actress, but she’s fat so her acting isn’t half as interesting to reporters as how she looks in some dress. Madonna has made a tremendous life’s work, but her year is summerized by interest in her flabby old skin. Girls are given Barbies and other whorish dolls for inspiration, and what is Barbie? A dumb blonde who is impossibly thin, ridiculously shallow, and all about a pleasant outside. Models are considered fat if they don’t have a 10 inch thigh gap. Models and celebs are photoshopped to death before their faces are printed, because god forbid the woman has flaws. And we women are all expected to try our hardest to look like that. Spend as much money on beauty as possible, and busy and distract ourselves with attempts to become prettier and thinner and smoother and younger-looking 24/7 because men can no longer commit us to the nuthouse when we suddenly start having opinions and ambitions. Oh, did I mention women often get paid less than men in similar or identical positions?

Yeah, women in the west are sooooooooo freeeeeeeeeee. LOL keep telling yourselves that.

 

What’s your excuse?

9 Jan

Nobody should get to body-shame. Nobody gets to decree what a correct body is. Nobody gets to tell someone that they are abusing or disrespecting themselves just for not obsessing over fitness and being slim. And you know what? I’m not buying “concern” when it’s in the form of hating, bullying, and shaming. After all, they are not shaming and harassing smokers, anorexics, or other people with an unhealthy lifestyle. And even if there are health concerns? NONE OF ANYONE’S BUSINESS.

Certainly no reason to be mean.

And fitness supplements tend to be unhealthy, too. There are healthy obese people; I am one of them. Fit women do not need to glorify themselves by putting down others. If they can’t shine without throwing shade on fat women, that says more about them than it does about us. I sure don’t go around shaming fit or slim women; I intend to live and let live – and demand to BE let live.

There’s something “subtly” hateful about those motivation pictures of “before and after” budybuilding women with captions such as “What’s your excuse?”. The pictures tell you to stop looking one way (fat), and start looking the other (toned), and not to make excuses.

So you need an excuse to feel comfortable in your current body? Who are those “motivation” people to tell you what body to feel good in? I have believed it for so long, I believed they were right and the way I looked was incorrect, and that I “owed” it to myself to feel shitty about being fat. Why does a healthy overweight person need to make excuses or feel compelled to “get toned” in the first place? Even if they’re not healthy, it’s none of anybody’s business – plus, fit people get sick, too. Who’s to say that “firm and toned” is correct, and “fat and soft” isn’t? Doctors? Well, doctors will tell you that health is not just an issue of size and that some fat is actually healthy. Much unlike a lot of fitness supplements that can literally eat holes into your brain. I mean, what makes you think you should, daily, consume something that says “Do not use if you’re pregnant, nursing, old, young, fast heartrate, slow heartrate, epileptic, etc.”? Does that sound better than a burger? Really?
Why am I even made to feel like I need an excuse? Why can’t I just be the way I am without feeling guilty or embarassed or like I’m not treating myself right? And even if I were mistreating myself, how does that entitle others to diss me?

Why are people trying to tell me to feel guilty about not doing much about my weight? It’s not like I’m not trying at all, but I refuse to obsess over it anymore. And my only issue is the cellulite anyway. Otherwise, I’m quite okay being big. Why are women told to obsess about their appearance and feel bad when they don’t fit such and such ideal? Why do we have to feel like we deserve the hate we’re getting? Who are we hurting or offending by being big or soft? Nobody is telling ugly-faced women to get a nose job, nobody is telling small-breasted women to get a boob job, nobody is telling short women to have leg extension surgery and God forbid anyone were to tell a woman with kinky hair to straighten it. I mean, it is all well-marketed industries, but not as aggressive and omnipresent – and hateful – as the weight issue. You don’t see accusing and holier-than-thou pictures with the caption “What is your excuse” depicting a woman before and after facelift. Oh, so working out is more honest/healthy/real than surgery? Sure, especially with all those supplements…. And why do methods matter anyway? I don’t feel guilty about having had multiple procedures done. Why should I? Worked for me, all the belly went POOF in a matter of hours.

I’m fat and I’m healthy, and the only reason I’m not “fat and happy”, is because all the hate I get for being fat while I can’t remember having done anything to deserve it. Fat hate will be justified the day that “receding hairline” hate, “ugly nose” hate, “pudgy fingers” hate, “kinky hair” hate, or “short teeth” hate is justified. But you don’t see anyone hating that to this degree. Oh, so fat isn’t natural but big foreheads are? Well how about this: some are naturally predisposed to be heavier. And supplements are natural? Shaming people on Facebook is natural? Coloring your hair is natural? To hell with the natural argument, it’s invalid, nobody honestly cares about nature or health when dissing the appearance of others. It’s not about that, it’s 95% “look at me being all superior compared to those fatties and uglies” and an attempt to make it sound educated.

So screw this “What is your excuse” BS. Wanna know my excuse? Because eating a bag of chips at the movies is more fun than being a bunch of shallow douchebags’ reason to touch themselves.

Rape is never okay.

9 Jun

Unless you’re a violent criminal or a rapist yourself. Then you deserve it.

Do read on.

Browsing [a forum], I just came across a thread discussing a news event in Zimbabwe. A 19-year-old man had been abducted and his sperm had been forcibly “sucked” from him through a machine, 3 times a day for 7 days. Several adult women were involved in this. Basically, the man, or rather, the boy, was being sexually abused and held captive, for a week.
The vast majority of commenters on the news item were female, and they were making jokes. Some expressed disgust for the messy practice of forcible semen extraction rather than the fact of violent sexual abuse. The general feeling seemed to be that abducting and raping a man is funny. Especially when the culprits are females. Oh, so naughty. Not “vicious”, no, “naughty”.

Well, it’s not. I will now make a lot of enemies but I’ll say it anyway. While it must be noted that I am fervently against the sexual abuse of any gender or age, it is simply a fact that the younger you are, the more likely you are to grow out of all kinds of emotional memories. I am not remotely implying that it’s preferable to abuse a toddler rather than an adult. Never. All rapists should be tortured to death, and I will back this statement if push came to shove. However, the farther back an event lies, the more the memory of it is likely to fade. I don’t remember my 3rd birthday as well as I do my 27th. My first beating lies farther back temporally and emotionally, than does the last one. Time does heal wounds unless they are kept open in some way. That’s all I’m saying, realizing full well that there is no non-shocking way of saying it.
I was abused once when I was 7. I can’t say it traumatized me; I thought we were playing doctor and I didn’t really see the big difference between his penis and his hands. He inflicted no degree of pain on me, and there was no possibility of physical damage. Actually he had been the one to beg me to bite him “there” and I loved being allowed to bite someone. If my mother hadn’t brought it up 7 years later, I would not even have remembered it – let alone care about it. Obviously, this doesn’t make it okay. No violation of anybody’s physical or mental indemnity, is ever okay. But since the incident was isolated and is now 23 years in the past, I cannot say I have issues with or for it.

Now imagine any degree of abuse happening to a grown man. Not only are you old enough for your memory to store and categorize everything and brood it ten times over, you are a man. Society expects you to be strong and dominating. You rule, you are responsible. You are at  the top of the social food chain because you are physically stronger than women, and mentally riper than children. Or at least, so they say. So they demand.
What is sexual abuse? It doesn’t really matter. What matters, is what law, culture, and society make it. To me personally, it is no worse than other physical abuse – actually I’d rather be raped than have my face cut up or my skull bashed in. That’s just me though. And law, culture, and society make it something that is only horrible when it happens to children and females. Because children are classically associated with innocence and helplessness, and women with weakness and an inherent lack of responsibility. Women, like children, have gone through history being taken care of either by men, or by other women. Men are the caregivers, women are culturally assumed to be on the receiving end of such care, or authority, unless the care is directed at children, the elderly, or animals – basically anything that needs nursing is okay for a woman to care for. But who is the provider of food, shelter, and safety for the woman? The man.

How dare you, man, to get into a situation where you claim the innocence that was assigned to the child, or the weakness that was assigned to the woman? Here’s the problem, I think. Men are expected to be the do-ers, the strong ones, the ones who make force happen rather than have it happen to them. It’s absurd in the eyes of a man-run society, and the absurd is laughable. This is especially predominant in sexual force, since sex is typically associated with gender and gender roles – the male on top. What happens when a female turns the tables, or when a man is on top of a man? Even in consensual sexual relations, this is seen as “different”. Men are not expected to be submissive to women, and men are not expected to sexually submit other men.

To make things worse, men are assumed to be in the mood for any kind of sex at any given time, as long as homophobic men are spared homosexual encounters. So why would any heterosexual man complain about having his penis aggressed by females? Shouldn’t he enjoy it and tweet about it? “Getting gang-raped by hot black nymphos, lol”.
While this often works in womens’ disadvantage, social sexual expectations of women give them one advantage over men: women are expected to use their sexuality sparingly and deny sex to as many as possible. So if a woman is forced to give what she is not supposed to give, of course society will harshly condemns her rapist. And so it should.
But men? Society cares little for male virginity or “purity”, so a man being forced to give his body to a sexual encounter, is not viewed as as much of a victim as is the woman. Men are expected to stick it in everything, so they might as well have it stuck for them.

To sexually abuse a woman or a child is already a horrible crime and I would not protest public executions of rapists. But we women are raised with warnings and expectations of being sexually abused. Sexual abuse of women by men, is an integral part of our belief system, whether it happens to us or whether the media tell us about yet another case. As women, we know how real and likely it is to become a victim of sexual abuse. Similar conditions are true for children, though children are handled more carefully.
Men? Rape an adult man whose world views have been established and which he believes in. Rape a man who has grown out of the innocence of childhood, and into a big, strong testosterone silo men are made to believe they are, and often rightly so. Rape a man who has been led to believe by his culture, that he is a ruler for no more than being male.
Unlike a woman who has grown up being brainwashed into “knowing” that she, for being female, is a subject to this man’s world, and a potential victim of sexual abuse, the man’s world collapses far beyond the feeling of having been violated or betrayed. The man is confronted with something he was not prepared for – being a victim of sexual aggression, something much more typical for women and children. This atypical experiences may lead him to question his gender identity. His biological position. His whole world that was never once about men being sexual victims. Despite being a man, he was overpowered physically, and forced into what is “typically” the position of a female – getting fucked rather than fucking. Hebrew language distinguishes this very clearly. Women fuck in English just like men do, they fuck in German just like men do, but in Hebrew, women get fucked while men fuck and I have been corrected for saying “I fuck” many times.

Call me a sexist all you want, I am presenting things from a cultural point of view rather than my own. Women are supposed to get fucked, by men who are supposed to fuck. A man unwillingly getting fucked, “worse” even, by the typical get-fuckedster, a woman, is turning the world (as it is, perhaps not as it should be) upside-down. It does more than inflict physical pain/injury, and create the trauma of having had your sexual intimacy invaded. It un-creates your established mental manlihood. It un-creates your biological, sexual belief system. It un-creates your understanding of the world.

Yes, the understanding that women and children are the typical rape victims, is unfair. Nobody should be a victim, much less inherently categorized as such. But children, for their innocence and helplessness, for their inability to give informed consent or refusal, and women, for their physical weakness and their inherent biological “task” of being penetrated by the male, are “accepted” victims. This is not right, this is not ethical, but this is our culture. We sadly and desperately expect women and children to be abused, which is why we tell women and children to steer clear of male strangers, while we do not tell this to teenage boys or adult men. It hardly occurs to us that men, too, should be warned of this danger. We inherently expect them to either be off the menu of the sex predator, or to be strong enough, “man enough” to either defend against, end up enjoying, or get over it. This, to me, is just as sad as looking at a woman in a dark street and hoping she won’t be raped. This, to me, is just as sad as worrying that your child, on his way home from school, may be assaulted. Society has little worry for a male’s sexual safety if he is too big to be a “sweet, innocent child” – and a man becomes too big for this very quickly.

I’ve been sexually assaulted to various degrees at various ages. Mostly in my early 20s, only by males, not counting a disturbed 9-year-old girl who enjoyed dry-humping people. But while I find it awkward to talk about, and while I prefer not to recall any incident, I manage to shrug it off. Maybe I’m more hardened than other women, or maybe it is because I have grown up being warned of, and prepared for, the abuse for being a helpless female in a man’s world. With all the warnings to women and children, how can I not grow to expect and shrug at it when it happens to me? All of society keeps telling me: as a female, I can expect to get assaulted.

Since this predictability is not the case for men, for men not having been raised with the fear/expectation of being sexually abused, men lack the mental preparation that is latently present in women. For this lack of preparation, men have jolly little coping mechanisms, no ready-made phrases like “It’s not my fault” or “He’s just a woman hater”. Women have these phrases, women in most cultures and legal systems, have a support system that condemns their assaillants and defends their own innocence in the matter. Men have society tell them to be strong, man up, and stop being a whiny little bitch. Men have society belittle them and call them “homos” for “letting” another man assault them, men have society tell them to be grateful if a woman forces herself on them because hey, at least he got some…

Even children have better coping mechanisms. Since adults are an absolute authority in the minds of most children, a group of adults repeatedly telling them that they are not to blame, and that they will be okay, and that their assaillant was just a bad person, is likely to help tremendously. This can be parents, this can be therapists. Even if such support is offered to men, culture has taught them to feel much more awkward and ashamed about accepting or reaching out for help, than women or children.

For who doesn’t snort at the thought of sitting down with a grown man who got raped, hold his hand, wipe his tears, and tell him what they would tell a female or underage victim? I don’t snort, many other people don’t either, but I think we all know that as a whole, men get a lot less sympathy for being victims of sexual assault.

Yes, most victims are females and children, yes, most perpetrators are male. But gender or age should not determine how much of a victim you are or how much support or sympathy you get, or how horrible your assailant is. Personally, I don’t want to be beat up any more than I want to be raped; personally, I am no more disturbed by the incident when I was 7, than by the incident when I was 24, and personally I think a violent criminal, sexual or non-sexual, should hang from every street lamp.

I am not saying raping a woman or a child is preferable to raping a man. I am however saying that the latter is being downplayed unjustly when, due to cultural attitudes, the impact can actually be more severe for male victims. But how about not raping anyone? I think that would be good.